Parenting Rules of Thumb

1. Focus on the donut, not the hole! Focus on the relationship (your strengths and your child’s strengths), NOT the problem.
2. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer! Learn to RESPOND (reflect) rather than REACT. The child’s feelings are not your feelings and needn’t escalate with him/her.
3. What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you did! We are certain to make mistakes, but we can recover. It is how we handle our mistakes that makes the difference.
4. The parent’s toes should follow his/her nose. Body language conveys interest.
5. You can’t give away what you do not possess. You can’t extend patience and acceptance to your child if you can’t first offer it to yourself.
6. When a child is drowning, don’t try to teach her to swim. When a child is feeling upset or out of control, that is not the moment to impart a rule or teach a lesson.
7. If you can’t say it in 10 words or less, don’t say it. As parents, we tend to overexplain, and our message gets lost in the words.
8. Grant in fantasy what you can’t grant in reality. It is okay to act out feelings and wishes that in reality may require limits.
9. Big choices for big kids, little choices for little kids. Choices given must be commensurate with child’s developmental stage.
10. Never do for a child that which he can do for himself. You will never know what your child is capable of unless you allow him to try!
11. Encourage the effort rather than praise the product. Children need encouragement like a plant needs water.
12. Don’t try to change everything at once! Focus on ‘big’ issues that ultimately will mean the most to your child’s development of positive self-esteem and feelings of competence and usefulness.
13. Where there are no limits, there is no security. (Consistent Limits = Secure Relationship) When you don’t follow through, you lose credibility and harm your relationship with your child.
14. Good things come in small packages. Don’t wait for big events to enter into your child’s world—the little ways are always with us. Hold onto precious moments.

Adapted by Wendy Romero, MSW, LCSW from:

Copyright (c) 2006, Taylor & Francis Group, LLC. From Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual: A 10-Session Filial Therapy Model for Training Parents, by Bratton, S., Landreth, G., Kellam, T., & Blackard, S.R. (2006). New York: Routledge.  Permission to reproduce is granted purchaser only.